In response to the British PM labelling the cricket ball a natural vector of disease

By K.R. Nayar

Meet my cricket-crazy friend who has solutions to play Coronavirus-free cricket with small modifications to the rules of the game and the behavior of the players

Cricket balls targeted. Image source ICC

Pardon me for having some fun at the expense of the coronavirus. We read so much of serious stuff every day about this dreaded disease, so let us distract ourselves a bit from the horrors of this virus.

I happened to read a remark from the British Prime Minister that the cricket ball is a natural vector of disease. He was responding to a question in the House of Commons on whether it was too soon to lift the current restrictions on playing cricket.  

So I contacted my cricket-crazy friend who was not very appreciative of my article on whether cricketers should be put to risk and that bilateral cricket contests should wait. 

“Johnson, before accusing the cricket ball, should have studied as to how cricket is played. The new ball is not like a metal door handle where the Coronavirus can stay on. This virus cannot hold on to a shiny new ball as it will surely slip off. Moreover, when the ball is hit so powerfully with the bat, the virus will be killed mercilessly. Imagine the state of the virus on the ball if Chris Gayle is the batsman,” was his matter of fact response.

Then I asked him what would happen if the batsman missed the ball? Would it not be dangerous for the wicketkeeper?  “Wicketkeepers have been wearing gloves long before experts asked everyone to wear gloves to prevent getting infected by the virus. So there is no danger to the wicketkeeper. However, from now on he should not pass the ball to the first slip or any other fielder before returning it to the bowler. He should merely roll it back to the bowler. All the dirt that the ball would gather on its way back to the bowler can suffocate the virus by the time it reaches the bowler,” was his simple answer.

My next query was what would happen if the bowler used his saliva on the ball to retain the shine? Without any hesitation he said, “One camera should be always focused on the ball to monitor if anything is being applied on it.  If the bowler is spotted applying saliva, he should be taken off before the ball is bowled, a penalty of six runs should be granted to the batting side, and the bowler must be asked to make ten rounds outside the boundary with his tongue hanging out.”
 
Will there be restrictions on celebrations after taking a wicket? Now he thought for a while and said: “Of course hugging and high fives should be banned. High fives can be replaced with a namaste or players can express their happiness showing a thumbs up sign to the bowler. A pacer has to ensure that his follow through stops two meters before the short cover fielder.”

My friend also suggested that everyone should follow West Indies pacer Sheldon Cottrell’s unique way of celebration on taking  a wicket by standing attention and giving a military salute. “If there are bowlers like Imran Tahir, who on taking a wicket runs out of the boundary, he should be permitted back to the ground only after a thermal scanner check just like what happens before we enter a mall,” he added.

Wicketkeeper must not be close to the batsman. Source Wikipedia

Would the wicketkeeper not be in danger since he sits very close to the batsman when a spinner is in action?  “Yes, it is very dangerous and a batsman could even deliberately sneeze to get the wicketkeeper to back off so that he can step out and hit. That’s why I think the rule should be changed in a way that if a batsman steps out and misses the ball, whether stumped or not he should be declared out. So the batsman should make sure that he connects the ball at all cost if he leaves the batting crease.”

No more of appealing close to the umpire. Image source: Twitter.com

My friend went one step further and suggested that the style of appealing should also undergo a change. “No bowler should appeal opening his mouth wide to avoid transmitting the virus to the umpire, if he has any. He should appeal only from the middle of the pitch and not anywhere close to the umpire. If he appeals from a closer range, the decision will go in favour of the batsman.”

I was so impressed by my friend’s thinking that I have decided to  drive him to the International Cricket Council office today for him to share his innovative suggestions to them.