A humorous take on why England lost the second Test match at Chepauk

By K.R. Nayar

Following an investigation conducted by England on why the Chepauk pitch suddenly turned unplayable for them, it was found that Ravichandran Ashwin’s knowledge of every stone at Chepauk played a huge role. The Chennai crowd that can teach even the world’s best batsman or bowler how they should play, seemed to have used the Tamil language to guide Ashwin to score more runs than even Virat Kohli! Investigations revealed that the powder coming out from the pitch has been traced back to Sambar and Idli podi!    

After England lost to India in the second Test at Chepauk, an investigation was conducted following criticisms about the pitch on which England struggled but India batted comfortably. Since the International Cricket Council (ICC) did not seem keen on an investigation despite the hue and cry from some former England cricketers, the England team management decided to approach an expert. In fact, he is not only a pitch expert but an expert on everything that happens in Chennai.

So, the England team officials, including captain Joe Root, visited this person named Gopalakrishna Mudaliar who was suggested by the British Consulate in Chennai. They were told that this person could investigate anything mysterious and that he lived very close to the Chepauk Stadium. Since Mudaliar was a short man with a huge tummy, he was seen seated on a high chair.

“Welcome,” he said to the English officials and quickly added: “I used to live here earlier, but I have now moved to another place due to the constant whistling from the stadium. After Chennai Super Kings created the slogan 'Whistle Podu' for their team, their fans kept whistling till late in the night every day during the Indian Premier League. I was tired of the noise and finally moved to another apartment.  I came back here only after spectators were banned from the stadium. Unfortunately, fans are being let in again. Even though only 15,000 were permitted in to the ground, the noise they make is that of at least 60,000 people. So I plan to go back once again.”

The Chepauk ground 

After this brief introduction by Mudaliar, the England officials presented their reason for meeting him. “I need the score sheet to study what went wrong,” said Mudaliar, and ordered his assistant to get him a print-out.  After running his finger through the scores, he said: “We need to find out how Rohit Sharma managed to make 161 when your entire team together made only 134. We need to examine Sharma’s bat and his shoes on how he managed those many runs.”

Root immediately remarked: “There was something wrong with the pitch too when we batted, and that’s what we want to know.”

Mudaliar thought for a while and said:  “I see that it is Ravichandran Ashwin has taken five wickets. He was born in Chennai and has played at Chepauk more than anyone from both teams. So he is well aware of every stone in and around the Chepauk and also under the pitch. I wish your player Olly Stone knew something about stones; but then he did not get any runs although his only wicket was that of Ashwin.”

Another England official then reminded Mudaliar that their team had won the first Test by 227 runs on the same ground. “You won the first Test because you won the toss and batted first. It looks like India had schemed to win the toss in the second Test.”
Root laughed and asked: “How can you scheme to win a toss?” Mudaliar thought for a while and said, “Chennai fans are very knowledgeable. They can even turn the toss in India’s favour like their Ashwin can turn the cricket ball both ways.”

Joe Root 

Root was curious to know how Ashwin could hit a century when neither Kohli nor he could not manage it? “There is no point in having your name as Root. You must understand the importance of roots and their impact. Ashwin has his roots here and knows Tamil very well. Chennai fans, as I said, are so knowledgeable about the game and its techniques that they were guiding him constantly in Tamil on what strokes to play. If Kohli knew Tamil, he too could have scored a century.”

A disappointed Root, before leaving, had one more question. “How do you explain the puff of powder that came out of the pitch when we were batting?  In a flash Mudaliar responded: “We call powder as podi here. Chennai is famous for a variety of podis..Idli podi, Sambar podi, and many more. When you come to play in Chennai you should be prepared for any type of podi. Your inability to handle podi is the reason why you scored only 164 runs ..that is just three runs more than Sharma’s first innings knock of 161.”